jika kita gugur hari ini
by shafilaschtein
Summary: Jean thinks about his fallen friends and comrades. In normal conditions, death can come to him one second ahead and he will never know about that moreover in the middle of a war. He wants to survive. He wants his friends to survive. He wants Mikasa to survive. But, no matter how hard he tries, he would never know. No matter how strong they are, they would never know.


Attack on Titan by Hajime Isayama. _jika kita gugur hari ini_ means_ in case we die today. _

/

Jean thinks about his fallen friends and comrades. In normal conditions, death can come to him one second ahead and he will never know about that moreover in the middle of a war. He wants to survive. He wants his friends to survive. He wants _Mikasa_ to survive. But, no matter how hard he tries, he would never know. No matter how strong they are, they would never know. Even Captain Levi, the strongest soldier, currently has his status unknown. From the way Floch informed them, he needs to be ready to hear the worst.

Mikasa still stands toughly after depleting so much energy to survive. If her agony because of her bruised heart still lingers inside her, she doesn't show it at all. Jean knows how strong Mikasa is physically, but he just realizes that her heart is the same. But, it doesn't stop him from thinking about the critical stage they're in; no matter how strong is someone, physically or mentally, they will never know when will death catches them. Including Mikasa.

She still has to fight. They still have to come back to the middle of the battlefield. Them, Jean, Mikasa, no matter who, can be throttled by death in a few minutes forward.

"Mikasa," calls Jean. His hands release the thunder spears slowly and lean it on the nearest wall.

Mikasa turns her head to him while raising her chin to directly see his face. She stares at him with the respect that makes Jean feels bad. She must be thinking that he will give her some orders as her ammunition in the middle of the battlefield. He says nothing. He just walks with certain steps to eliminate the distance between them.

"What is it?" asks Mikasa. There's a hint of confusion in her eyes.

Jean holds her shoulder tightly. She seems surprised, but she doesn't ward his touches at all. "Survive, please," he says. The words vibrate in desperation.

Mikasa who's still shocked just nods doubly. He hasn't released his hand from her shoulders. The hold slides to her arms. She is still surrounded by silence.

"We could be dead here, in a few minutes forward," said Jean. He pauses for a moment. His breath is released strongly until she can feel the touch of the moving air on her cheeks. "In case we—you or I—die here ..."

He hangs his words in the air. He bends his neck and moves his face slowly. He still gives her a chance to push him. But, she just expels her trembling breath and closes her eyes, her eyelids are moving.

Mikasa doesn't return his quick kiss but didn't push him off of her when he did that. She said nothing. There is no meaningful gesture from her. She stays still as if she is frozen. She looks up just when he cups her face in between his hands.

"But still try to survive, please," says Jean. His voice is full of hope.

She nods. Her movement seems awkward.

He detaches himself from her. His heart is still thumping his ribs roughly until he can feel it through his ears. He makes a work of his numb hands to take the thunder spears that weight five kilograms in each. He turns backward when he hears a step stopped near him.

"Don't die. The Survey Corps needs you," says Mikasa before turning immediately and running to the outside of the building.

His gaze is still on her for a moment. Her words hit him. Commander Hanji and Captain Levi aren't here. The highest authority is on his hand now. He immediately runs, leaving his short emotional moment behind. He needs to be spry again.

Outside the building, his gaze meets Mikasa's. She still looks at her with the same stare; respect is still full on her eyes. There's no disgrace on them after what he had done to her. She even nods to him, as if giving him a cue that she trusts him fully.

Mikasa still respects him as a commanding officer. He thinks that's enough for him.


End file.
